Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
