Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
FUCK WHALES
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
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