I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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