I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
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