never play flip cup with pint glasses
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
