you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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