Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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