How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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