Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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