I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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