You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
