I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
