It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
