"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
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