I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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