Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
