party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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