i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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