true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
