I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
