First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
we made out on top of his cat.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
