Will you blow on my dice?
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Randomize