i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
