I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Randomize
