I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
