I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Randomize
