i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
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