I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
