Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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