I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
