So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
