I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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