I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
