One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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