I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
