I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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