I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
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