3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
