I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
