Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
