Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Randomize
