I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
