When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
