dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
This is my gift to your gina
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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