Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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