Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Just invented taco cereal.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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