toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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