You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
this hospital has no fireball
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
There are leaves in my underwear?
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