Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Randomize
