i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I have grass duct taped all over my body
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
