and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
