he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
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