Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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