break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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