i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
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