I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
