the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
jump out the window naked night went bad
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