This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Randomize
