I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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