I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Soap is not a condiment
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
