What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
