Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
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