Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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