Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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