What tipped you off? The sombrero?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
