I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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