i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize
