can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
