Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
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