I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
Randomize
