woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
